I just threw up on my dentist
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
