I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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