Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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