It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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