My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
