Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
