There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
