well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
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next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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