When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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