why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
