shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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