i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
