I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
