"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There's always time for handjobs
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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