I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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