she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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