remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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