and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
