i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
