That's intense
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
