I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
