I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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