i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
