It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
