My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
