i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
