A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
