I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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