Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
His nipple licking is glorious
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