I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
