I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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