Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
