I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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