My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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