also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
