When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
