I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
