I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
