hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
