Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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