I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
