i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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