All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
