I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
