So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
