I faked an abortion last night.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
How naked do you want me to be?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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