I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
