omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
