My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for