At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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