The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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