Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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