I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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