I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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