I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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