I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
